the week is finally over. i feel as though it’s consumed so much of me to just survive these past seven days…

an old friend named alex called me on tuesday, i believe it was. it was so strange talking to him that night. we dated (if you can even call it that) back in grade eight. he was two years older than i. when i look back on it, it feels like such a little school-girl crush. i remember making a big deal out of it back then, though. i’d call up my friends and gush and coo and marvel at alex’s doting qualities. of course, now it all seems so juvenile to me. but that’s the way it’s supposed to feel, i guess, when you’re looking back on memories where you thought something was such a vital part of your live and you’d die without it. now that you’re 18 you start looking back on when you were 13 and you’re without that significant something… yet you’re not dead. you’re still living. still finding new things to dramatize. it’s the cyclic moderation of angst, i tell you.

this week was also stressful in that i’ve had not one but a few wars with my father. my mother is always telling me that i’m so much like him, but i really cannot see that. he’s a contradicting, stereotyping, prejudging, callous, insensitive mule. i, on the other hand, tend to get over-sensitive, over-emotional, over-everything — basically adding to all the personal attributes which he lacks. so this morning he found my empty but dirty bowl of soup on the coffee table and proceeded to yell about me about being disrespectful to him. it was probably the dozenth time in the last 24 hours where he has shrieked that same fucking line to me. so i snapped. and i yelled back. i told him that i wasn’t going to take any more of his put-downs and unsupported statements only meant to inflict pain unto me. i tried my best not to raise my voice or cuss and calmly told him not to talk to me anymore. i find it to be more effective not talking things through with my father rather than trying to rationlize with him. he is not rational.

more incidents occured this week, but my fingers feel languid as they push against the keyboard as it is.