now, i’ve been having trouble setting a “moral highground” on past boyfriends and ex’s and the like. i’ve been absorbed so much by what friends i choose to have around me that i’ve almost neglected my approach to the ex. thus far, i had been avoiding victor by every mean.

last night was a terrible feat, i’m sure, as i found myself in a compromising position. being in a house with my old significant other of almost five months made me think twice about this social survival tactic that i have set for myself.

as much as i would like to be resolute with my decisions in not giving a flying fack about people who have hurt me in the past, last night proved to be an emotional turning-point. till that day i hadn’t aptly spoken to victor in several months. throughout our whole time together i felt like i was the one who had been at fault, that i expected too much from him and that i was the one who didn’t understand. only after five months of this vicious shame-cycle did i realize how little i meant to him and how he made me compromise myself because i couldn’t see how little he respected me.

i know it seems pathetic to be dwelling on this subject after months and months of avoiding victor, but last night i was filled with this nagging guilt, as though i was supposed to be the better person; i was supposed to forgive and forget. but forgiveness does not a strong person make. i need to be strong and i will not let this guilt of being a “nice” person force me to compromise my decision in cutting victor off from my world of company.

he took me for granted and i will not forget that, nor will i forgive the fact.