when one is without a significant other for a long time, one inevitably goes through a self-probing period. (ew, not that type of probing.) a metamorphosis, if you will. in any case, i do not believe that this is necessarily true. one can endure a horrible break period in solitude and still learn nothing about themselves, all the while remaining callow and disgustingly dependent.

i am in this situation where i cannot depend solely on myself yet. although i am indifferent to many hardships of family and friends, i find that i am still affected by emotional injury inflicted upon me by certain individuals whom i now so earnestly try to avoid. the thing with me is that once i let someone into my life and allow them to play an important role, i am dependent on that person in one way or another. this does not mean that i revolve my whole existence around them; they become a kind of essential branch in my tree of relationships. and once that branch breaks, it is hard to mend it and sometimes you just have to let it wear away.

my analogy fails me.

so lately i’ve been searching myself for answers to questions that perhaps do not need answering. as people around me begin to wonder about “true friends” and “real” this or that, i realize that people spend a lot of time thinking a lot harder than necessary. i tell myself not to worry so much and to just go with the flow, as any good cliché would advise. this advice never usually satisfies me.

i cannot help but think that i’m on a path to self-destruction and the connections i’ve made with people in the past are inconsequential in the long run. after all, is anyone ever really a “true friend?” and what exactly constitutes their veracity?

it’s a difficult task to become completely independent, especially when we’re at this point in our lives where every relationship we have now shapes our identity. without these relationships we’d be boring creatures with no stories or funny anecdotes to tell at dinner parties. and we all know how vital funny anecdotes are.