i dug out the ol’ diary today. i must have written in it everyday back in grade eight and nine. it’s this little lock & key journal that my sister bought me for christmas with the old-fashioned winnie the pooh (not that ugly orange blob disney created) on the front. several excerpts made me laugh aloud in the winter darkness of my house:
june 17, 1997
in the halls, i catch him looking at me, but i’m not sure. i mean, he could be just glancing around to look for mabel or maria. or maybe even looking because i’m just some weird grade eight kid obsessing over him when he already knows i like him.
august 17, 1997
i don’t actually know him [different guy] , but i really like him! i can’t explain… i can’t wait to see him again! i’m kinda hoping that we’ll sit beside each other at the movie. whatever will i wear?!
september 14, 1997
on monday, val and i are going to stay after school for a while. and my plan is: if i see him [different guy] , i’ll ask him for a dollar to buy a drink. then, hopefully, a conversation with ensue from there!
november 3, 1997
“oh, [different guy] … i love you sooo much!” but how can i say that to him? we didn’t talk on ICQ at all today.
march 9, 1998
… i was totally turned off! he [different guy] was wearing this bright yellow CK jacket and a grey v-neck under. sara pointed out that he had a whole bunch zits on his chest! i was sooo grossed out. the gaudy jacket was one thing, but to break out all over your chest?! that’s too “outer limits” for me…and there you have it: the life of a teenage girl in early adolescence who believes that boys are the most important thing in the world. i find it humourous that every entry i picked out deals with a new guy on my then hit-list.
sometimes i wish i could swim through that channel of angst and drama all over again. perhaps it would stimulate my desire to better my appearance when i leave the house. my own mother even told me that i haven’t looked my best lately. i wish i could care more. i wish i had someone to impress like i did in those days.