last night my friends and i had dinner at the cactus club cafe in vancouver. there were quite a few of us, plus an endless stream of diners, so getting a table took an excruciating couple of hours just sitting around, mooching reading material from the nearest chapters, and recounting simpsons trivia. finally, we get to our group’s table which we discover has been split into two. basically half the group sat at elsewhere from the other. audaciously, the waiter tells us that since we’re a “big” group there’s a mandatory 15%-minimum “gratuity fee” (do you enjoy the euphemism as much as me?) as he takes down our drink orders.

now, i’m not an entirely stingy person. but i do like to know that my money is going to something that i feel is worth every last cent. so this fixed fee seemed pretty ridiculous to me, especially since our “big” group was forced to sit at two smaller tables and we ended up paying two separate bills. that’s more like two “small” unrelated groups. what extra work or effort would he really have to expend?

tips perplex me. i can understand how employees of a certain occupation deserve a little extra sum for a surplus of their own efforts. it just irritates me that some of these people are already getting paid to be waiters and waitresses and whatnot, plus they expect to receive a “gratuity fee” for doing something that is already in their job description. they are supposed to wait on you; they’re getting paid to do just that. i think it’s rich people who started this trend of tipping just to show off how little money means to them.

i do realize that if these employees give you extra-special service and attention than is normally required, some sort of gratitude should be paid. i understand that. but what i cannot comprehend is why we have to tip pizza-delivery boys who don’t really give you much service other than driving at a reasonable, lawful speed to get your hot pizza to you in time. most of them aren’t even friendly. plus, aren’t they already getting paid to drive around and deliver pizzas? what extra do they give in order to expect a substantial tip at the end of their arduous journey? when i worked in retail, i was always nice to customers, even if they were the most bitchy, haughty, or annoying specimen of the human race. and did i ever expect something extra for my troubles? no. because that’s what i was there to do — help the customers. that’s what i was getting paid for.

i don’t understand why a tip is now socially mandatory, as if these people are always going out of their way to please you. this is hardly ever the case. even taking out of restaurants, getting bubble tea to go, or even singing bloody karaoke requires an implied amount of money as a gratuity fee. even though you’re already buying their product, investing in their business, and ultimately paying those employees’ wages.

and when you don’t pay 15%, or at least over 10%, people look at you like this cheap little prick who is so out of the social circuit that they don’t know the necessary percentage. how socially inept of them! …even if the service was less than acceptable. hey, not everyone is a loaded french tycoon, the heir of a british fortune, or the kid of a rich chinese businessman. some people don’t want to pay their own hard-earned wages to feed the flames of strange social ritual. i’m not discouraging tipping completely, because god knows if i were a damn good waitress and gave everyone extra service i’d want something out of it, too. but how many exceptional waiters and waitresses are there realistically? not many, probably a handful compared to the majority of bad ones.

reward the good and ignore the bad. isn’t that basically common sense? if you’re a horrible server, would you still expect people to be thankful for making their night-out less than enjoyable? everyone wants something for nothing. it shouldn’t be enough to earn someone’s “gratitude” when doing the bare minimum at most.

i’m not cheap, i’m just aware of one of society’s biggest scams. it’s the same reason i don’t partake in the lottery; i don’t want to waste my own resources for some odd, minute chance that i might actually get something out of it. because more often than not, it’s not worth it.