i’m out of words today, so i’m borrowing some from jack handey:

to me, it’s always a good idea to carry two sacks of something when you walk around. that way, if anybody says, “hey, can you give me a hand?,” you can say, “sorry, got these sacks.”

anytime i see something screech across a room and latch onto someone’s neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, i have to laugh, because what is that thing?!

sometimes when i feel like killing someone, i do a little trick to calm myself down. i’ll go over to the person’s house and ring the doorbell. when the person comes to the door, i’m gone, but you know what i’ve left on the porch? a jack-o’-lantern with a knife in the side of its head with a note that says “you.” after that, i usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

happiness is not a circus clown rolling around in a big tractor tire so that his arms and legs form “spokes”. happiness is when he stops.

sometimes i think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don’t know what your rights are, or who the person is you’re talking to. then, on the way out, slam the door.