i reluctantly had to turn down alan’s invitation to the foam party tonight. actually, the idea of a “foam” party is quite retarded to me, but it was alan’s invitation that i was reluctant to turn down. he leaves for seattle tomorrow morning, the morning i just so happen to start work again for cathay pacific, as they called me last minute to work on thursday. he was going to drop by today, so as a going-away surprise i burned him the maladroit album — along with some bonus weezer acoustic tracks — for his road-trip. i hope it will be something to remind him of me. let’s see if lewis lets him go for a few minutes without the japanese racing music that is always pumping in his bimmer.

i feel strange at times when i am dating someone steadily. i feel inadequate and unspecial. i go through this horrible phase of insecurity where i compare myself to his past serious relationships and nit-pick at every single thing that person can offer him which i cannot.

i feel at times that i am the person people “settle” for. i am not a first choice but rather a last resort. i never used to think like this — not before him, anyway. he ruined a lot for me. my confidence was shot to hell, and i can’t say with all honesty that i’ve seen it since.

it’s bloody amazing how i can turn something so perfect into one giant problem. like a pimple that needs squeezing, though it only makes it uglier, more painful, and harder to ignore.

hmm, my parents are watching midway in the other room. perhaps a good world war ii film will make me feel better. seeing as how it’s so completely not related to what i’m talking about.