it’s my birthday in three days, and only last night did i come to the realization that i have no control over my life. as i was stuck at alan’s house for a good several hours yesterday, i was stranded … without a ride, a car, or a proper license to drive. i was completely and utterly useless. i had work early in the morning today and i needed sleep, badly. realizing that my choice rested in others’ hands and that i was powerless to do anything in the situation made me sick to my stomach. or maybe it was PMS. either way, i wasn’t feeling very buoyant — bloated, maybe, but not buoyant. i was very depressed, in fact.

driving is merely one issue at hand here. since the age of sixteen, there have been so many times when i’ve thought to myself, “hey, maybe it’s about time you got your full license to drive.” and then i’ll suppress the thought with logic: “hey, what car are you even going to drive?” ever since my older sister got into a couple of accidents with their car(s) a few years back, my parents have been reluctant in the lending department — and when i say “a little”, i mean “a lot”. the ability to get into a car with confidence is analogical, as well; too bad i can’t just “take the wheel and drive,” as brandon boyd so succinctly puts it.

there are so many things i want to do. like study in england, move out of my house, get a job i love, etc. and my lack of empowerment, and lack of power in general, is enough to make me cry in futility. no matter how hard i try in school, the final grade is up to the professor. no matter how hard i try to find a good, well-paying job, it’s up to the boss to hire me. no matter how much i try to squirm out of my domestic cage, my parents are there to stifle my protestation.

i’m hitting twenty years in this sack of bones, and i feel ever deflated. so what is this classified as? “the quarter-life crisis”? i’ll probably get over this manic wave of depression soon. probably when my period is over, coincidentally enough.