more jack handey aphorisms:

maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: “mankind”. basically, it’s made up of two separate words — “mank” and “‘ind”. what do these words mean? it’s a mystery, and that’s why so is mankind.

it’s true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. but what they don’t tell you is that every time you hear a mouse-trap snap, an angel gets set on fire.

if you’re in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. maybe it’ll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.

i bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, ‘if i have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky.’ just then the eclipse would start, and they’d probably try to kill you or something. but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.

if you ever fall off the sears tower, just go real limp, because maybe you’ll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.