i got into a conversation with my co-worker today about what i consider myself first and foremost: am i asian, female, or just young? and what does one mean to the other? it hit me that i constantly redefine myself according to the cultural or social context i am currently immersed in.

at work, i see myself as predominantly an asian being, surrounded mostly by caucasian people who have not experienced racial discrimination in our western society. when a question of racial identity is raised, i instantly pounce on the subject, asserting my opinion and backing it up with personal experience. but race issues are the hardest to argue. people are doggedly resolute about their convictions and refuse to believe that saying “all black people are lazy” is inherently racist. as someone who has had generalizations, racial slurs, and harsh stereotypes thrown at her at an early age, i will not yield. but i’d advise not arguing about controversial issues like this on work-time, especially not with a senior colleague.

in class, i am female, an example of womanhood and attempting to be a good representative of such. among a panel of historians that is comprised mostly of men, i feel that i have to prove myself as not only as a fellow intellectual but also as a woman who fits into the current slot of history in which past women have struggled to get the vote, to control their own bodies, and to be allowed to study in academia. to take for granted their sacrifices is to blind myself from the reason i am even allowed to be sitting in a university classroom.

at home, i am young; my parents are older and, therefore, wiser than i. my opinion weighs less in value and, in comparison to theirs, is inconsequential. my older relatives are right beyond a shadow of doubt, even when their convictions are questionable. we take care of our elders. we talk with them, we eat with them, we live with them — we will ultimately become them. so to question their judgement is to secure a spot for spoiled, apathetic children on my own family tree.

or perhaps i’m just reading too much into all of this. maybe i’m just a little bit of all those attributes… with a little too big a chip on my shoulder.