forgive me, father, for i have sinned… again.

• i told my mom i’d fold and put away the clothes in the laundry basket — two months ago.
• instead of using a nail-cutter to trim my fingernails, i’ve been using my teeth.
• i’ve been listening to an unhealthy amount of maroon 5.
• and having sexual fantasies of adam levine.
• and wishing ill his real-life model girlfriend, kelly what’s-her-face.
• sometimes i go the day on just one collective meal, which i like to call “brunner”.
• politeness masking utter annoyance and contempt has been my weapon of choice in most professional settings.
• i’ve noticed a lot of split ends in my hair, and i really don’t care to do anything about them.
• my sister asked me to get her a 7-up, but, having drunk the last one, i fixed her a glass of club soda, sugar, and a slice of lemon. apparently, that isn’t the same thing.