Like a turbulent relationship with an abusive boyfriend, this website seems to have me crawling back for more. I want to change it, make it better, turn it into something on which I can lean in times of need. But, alas, sometimes one must walk away lest one get a black eye, a broken jaw, and a restraining order to boot. Then it comes back to tell you that it loves you and, baby, let’s start over. And then you’re like, no way, well, maybe, just as long as you promise it never happens again…
Hmm, that analogy sounded more promising in my head.
The year+ hiatus has brought much change in my life. If you bothered reading the two entries before this one, you will know that I started and finished my first year of law school. If you bothered reading them thoroughly, you will also know that I am no longer dating my boyfriend of over four years. It’s amazing how much can change in so little time. Some things are still the same, however: I am still living at home (something I plan on remedying soon); I am still pining over a male in my life; I am still an insecure little freak.
That last point is more true than ever this year. With grades becoming the sole basis of my entire existence and self-worth, it’s a miracle I haven’t started to cut myself in a pitiful cry for attention and a free trip to the Tyra Banks Show. I somehow managed barely above-avergage marks, which may allow me to obtain a barely above-average living. In law school, everything seems to rest on your first-year marks. How well you do in first year determines if you will get a second-year summering position with a law firm, which in turn determines if you will secure a much coveted articling position after your third and final year of law school. It’s become so difficult not to judge my personal value in relation to those around me who have years of experience and miles of intelligence on me.
One thing that bugs the hell out of me about law school is that it follows you everywhere. I went to a party last night with some friends from school. I thought that now that summer is upon us, we’d put the books away and let ourselves enjoy the mindless activities of life that we’ve missed so much. But no… people were intent on discussing next year’s course schedule, what legal clubs they wanted to join, what area of law they were going to specialize in. Sometimes I think that there is something wrong with me, that I don’t want to make law the focal point of my life. Why am I not concerned about those things? Is this the right career for me?
It’s strange that I’m actually worrying about my impending “career.” The word has always carried with it a sense of postponement, a future fancy that I would always have time to put off until later. The fact that my career is now an imminent force to be reckoned with is terrifying. Like the mysterious smoke-like island ghost on Lost, I can neither grasp it nor predict where it’s going. One moment it seems to represent something greater, giving my ambition meaning, and the next it’s trying to put me in a choke-hold and strangle the life out of me.
For now, I just want to enjoy my summer. This is truly the last summer I will not have to worry about doing anything law-related. I can soak up the sun and go traveling with what little pocket money I have after paying an ungodly amount in tuition. I’ll just postpone my worries until the moment when it really and truly matters. It’s worked for me this far.