People always talk about Eve tempting Adam with the apple, and how she was such a wicked, leaf-wearing slutbag, but you know what the ultimate temptation is? Talking to someone with a big mole on their face and not looking at the mole. I have never been able to overcome this urge. And it’s awkward because you know it’s there, the person you’re talking to knows that it’s there and that you know it’s there because you can’t stop staring at the damn thing. It effectively becomes the elephant in the room—a humongous, fleshy, darkly tanned elephant.

Not understanding proper social etiquette, and perhaps more out of a fascination with the grotesque, I can’t help but refocus my eyes on the mole in ten-second intervals.

Mole person: Wasn’t it funny what the professor said about the economic crisis?

Me: Yeah, it was mole-arious!

Mole person: What?

Me: I said it was”hilarious.” I think we got a pretty good mole-fessor for our class.

Mole person: Pardon me?

Me: Moley, moley, mole, mole, mole.

Mole person: Fuck you.