I really need to time my biological poop clock to go off when I have the comfort of my own toilet, and…
March 11, 2010 Merde des Birds
June 16, 2009
Some sniper-pigeon decided to shit on my foot today, which was unsocked, so I got nasty brown French bird poop right on…
Things No One Cares About, No. 4
June 15, 2009
I tried writing a letter by hand to my sister today and my fingers and wrist started to cramp up in the…
Foot Meets Mouth
April 20, 2009
Me: Where are you from? Classmate: Ireland. Me: Wow, your English is really good!…
Mole People
February 13, 2009
People always talk about Eve tempting Adam with the apple, and how she was such a wicked, leaf-wearing slutbag, but you know…
Things No One Cares About, No. 3
December 16, 2008
Man, I could really go for some iced tea powder right now. Not stirred into water. Just the powder….
Abracatholicism!
September 29, 2008
I’ve always liked the idea of the confessional box. You sit inside the ornate wooden booth, the window in between slides open,…
Everybody’s Working for the Weekend (Even Bums?)
July 8, 2008
Yesterday, I observed one homeless person say, “Have a good weekend!” to another, who was lying down in the doorway of a…
Stuck
January 23, 2008
I’m feeling neither here nor there….
Food For Naught
December 3, 2007
Who in the name of Jesus’s cornhole thought to put marshmallows on potatoes? With mad scientists like that running amok, we’ll soon…
Things No One Cares About, No. 1
August 9, 2007
So, I was in a posh restroom of an even posher restaurant the other night. As I sat on the hip, art…
don’t forget to clean under your wiki
August 8, 2005
bidet is just a fancy french word for “ass hydrant”. i guess it’s safe to say that people from argentina have the…
strange mysteries of life
July 27, 2005
i’ve always found it weird that hair can hurt….
bzzz
July 17, 2005
how can i fall asleep tonight, especially when i know that there is a mammoth mosquito — the size of those prehistoric…
confessions, part deux
May 14, 2005
forgive me, father, for i have sinned… again.i told my mom i’d fold and put away the clothes in the laundry basket…
midnight musings
February 26, 2005
questions that will evade answer for all of eternity (also known as my inane midnight musings):what exactly is a “karma chameleon” and…
super sleuth
January 18, 2005
a little busy playing the csi computer game at the moment. i’ll be back when i’ve uncovered every. single. friggin’. clue. can’t…
i’ll be back… next year
December 31, 2004
maybe i have to re-watch the movie, but did they ever explain why “the terminator” was austrian? just one more think to…
the sixth scent
December 5, 2004
i wonder if those who believe they can sense others’ auras aren’t just sensing when people really need to take a crap….
the things we do for fashion
November 13, 2004
whenever i come across the topic of women’s foot-binding in china in my studies (which is actually pretty often, for some odd…
whippersnappers
October 31, 2004
while other people my age are out partying during the halloween festivities, dressed up as slutty nurses/police officers/teachers or setting off firecrackers,…
don’t ask, don’t tell
October 29, 2004
when somebody asks you how your day’s been, just grin wildly, baring all of your teeth, open your eyes wide like a…
cheers, mate!
October 20, 2004
instead of the traditional “wooo!” cheer that accompanies applause after a speech or performance, i think i’m going to start a new…
pubic service
September 18, 2004
please excuse this interruption for a public service announcement:everyday, millions of people are adversely affected by the prevailing fashion trends among young…
quoting idiocy
September 9, 2004
people who are in desperate need of a punch in the face*:are “excited to be going back to school”announce their “true love”…
dirty laundry
August 29, 2004
my room is finally clean! unlike my conscience….
what is a mustache?
August 18, 2004
alex trebek said the word “blog” on jeopardy. hell has officially frozen over. addendum: dude, this girl is my twin!…
fudge this!
August 1, 2004
as a result of some fucking bug bite or allergic reaction, i now have an upper lip the size of a grapefruit….
this suit burns better
July 23, 2004
my house was just fumigated. are my eyes supposed to be burning? i’ve been a complete flake at work, recently. there are…
whatever feels good in my soul
July 20, 2004
when i’m listening to my discman and walking down the street, i feel like i’m a music video. i step to the…
smells like teen laziness
July 7, 2004
sometimes i think that my days would be much less hectic if, instead of showering, i could simply spray myself with febreze….
from the emmy to the academy
May 26, 2004
everyone thinks that “smelling the fart” acting is top calibre, when it’s “smelling the b.o. of that nasty man in front of…
the simple things
May 22, 2004
there’s nothing quite like the feeling of freshly cut toenails….
emotional climate
April 29, 2004
there are times when even a beautifully sunny day can’t brighten my cloudy disposition….
my bruised ego
April 9, 2004
i did the most cartoonish thing yesterday: i walked straight into a pole. i’ve always wondered if people were actually stupid enough…
you have been promoted to sleuth
March 23, 2004
did anyone ever figure out where in the world carmen sandiego was? i’m guessing san diego. while you’re all ruminating on that,…
food for thought
March 11, 2004
they say “you are what you eat.” so, today, i guess that makes me a mcdonald’s mcgrill burger, a root beer, and…
mother teresa i ain’t
March 1, 2004
there is something to be said for that lonely homeless man who sits beside you on the bus, carrying his pop cans…
my religion
February 21, 2004
finding the last can of coke in the fridge is my equivalent of finding the holy grail, or nirvana. also, review of…
hair-ific
February 17, 2004
i haven’t washed my hair within the maximum amount of days that civilized society impresses upon human beings. is that bad? i…
dental woes
February 15, 2004
every time i’m supposed to see the dentist, i start up an intense teeth-cleaning regimen a few days before my appointment. it’s…
i haven’t a square to spare
January 31, 2004
i recently discovered that alan’s house uses the luxurious two-ply toilet paper while my own uses the one-ply of a pauper. i…
forgive me, father, for i have sinned
January 28, 2004
i’ve been hooked on britney spears’s song (and video) “toxic”. i haven’t eaten breakfast in two months. i tried to do my…
weening
January 21, 2004
reading sigmund freud’s views on femininity made me reminisce about my own childhood. he discusses things like penis-envy among girls, and i…
wwhat’s up youa ll
December 13, 2003
taking a break betwen studying is so enjoyable. especially when you go out with friends and meet up with them and then…
ah-choo-choo-choose you
October 18, 2003
once again, i find myself in the throes of physical sickness: sore throat, stuffy nose, watery eyes, tense muscles… the whole shebang….
ikea bulimia
October 16, 2003
i really need to redecorate my bedroom. it looks like my ceiling just barfed out sparse furniture along with random books and…
stuffing the turkey
October 9, 2003
can someone explain to me why canada and the united states of america have two separate days reserved for the giving of…
grr, argh
October 4, 2003
after seeing it on the internet (and from ernie), i’ve become in desperate want of a gloomy bear. there’s just something about…
insomnia
September 27, 2003
can’t sleep. clown’ll eat me. can’t sleep. clown’ll eat me….
the mundane
August 28, 2003
i finally have windows xp working on this mutha. and it’s everything i dreamed it would be! summer is slowing to a…
rhyme it
August 20, 2003
ink, pink, everyone stinks….
mouth play
August 12, 2003
i had my dentist appointment the other day. suffice to say that it was more of a disappointment. har, har!…
me so hungee
August 7, 2003
desperately seeking pho….
bitter endings
July 21, 2003
songs that conclude with a cliché “cha, cha, cha” sound are such cop-outs….
condescension
June 24, 2003
when i encounter young, pompous idiots i hardly even know talking down to me, i’m reminded of why i support abortion….
i can’t get no satisfaction
June 17, 2003
ever walk away from an argument knowing full well you won and knowing full well the other person knew you won? yeah,…
and the killer is…
May 20, 2003
i’m getting tired of law movies where the person acquited was the true killer all along. wouldn’t it be cooler to see…
loss for words
May 17, 2003
more jack handey aphorisms:maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: “mankind”. basically, it’s made up…
healthy, wealthy, and wise
May 10, 2003
i’ve been going to sleep a lot earlier recently and waking up feeling refreshed and ready to face the world. ‘tis a…
silver lining
April 24, 2003
nothing has been going well recently, school-wise, job-wise, interests-wise. the only thing good about these last few days has been the canucks’…
yummy gruel
April 11, 2003
there’s nothing instant about instant oatmeal. except for maybe the barfing after eating it….
i canned breed
February 26, 2003
why is it that every alice i know has chronic bad breath?…
blech
February 14, 2003
being around other people’s bad breath and bad body odour all day makes the fantastic idea of searing my nostrils shut a…
body break
February 6, 2003
if you have strong healthy hair, you always have emergency dental floss….
squeaky clean
February 1, 2003
i share a love/hate relationship with dentist check-ups. sure, i love how smooth and fresh my teeth feel after my appointment, but…
geek posh
January 27, 2003
i wore my new harry potter gryffindor scarf the other day, only to receive strange looks from people at school and a…
woe is me
December 29, 2002
i have just spent almost two hours eating blueberry-flavoured sour keys whilst watching the others and unconsciously picking at the candy stuck…
hmm
December 21, 2002
it was only when i regarded those ridiculous high heels poking out defiantly from under their robes that i realized women had…
hello, is it me you’re looking for?
December 19, 2002
i feel unusually bad when i hang up on those pesky telemarketers in an irate fashion. they always sound so lonely and…
it is done
December 12, 2002
i just finished my last winter exam this morning with a hot cup of tea sitting beside me the entire time. latin…
funnee
November 26, 2002
i always get a kick out of this one. grandpa simpson: my homer is not a communist. he may be a liar,…
boo fucking hoo
November 5, 2002
i am such a melancholy bitch. addendum: and i like it….
duplicity
October 27, 2002
so, apparently, i have this identical twin around the lower mainland area. and she looks exactly like me. only… she has bigger…
the crusade
October 18, 2002
take today as a sufficient example of how stupid your life truly is. and work towards passing that knowledge on to other…
forgetfulness
October 9, 2002
during my busy day, i think of the most prolific ideas. i swear. i conjure up thoughts that would put many philosophers…
good medicine
October 1, 2002
responding to certain superiors with insolent sarcasm fills me with a great sense of accomplishment for the day. it’s miller time….
california dreaming
September 21, 2002
ok, so i didn’t go to california. but the song has got me wishing summer was back. those lazy days spent doing…
accessorize
September 12, 2002
i know i already have one of these, but look! the scarf, the toque (not beanie)… look! i wants so bads. stupid…
oddity
September 8, 2002
when i’m happy, i find that i have less to say….
trivial pursuit
September 6, 2002
i noticed something strange about myself today. i’m not sure anyone really wants to hear it, but i can assure you it…
wee
September 5, 2002
anyone want to take a ride on the harry potter nimbus 2000 broom? it’s vibrating-fun between your legs! it apparently makes for…
jeepers
August 30, 2002
to think a dead body was found only a block away from my house… (shudder)…
mcnuts
July 22, 2002
as of this morning, i have the shittiest courses for my second year in university, as my preferred courses were full and…
twiddle my thumbs just for a bit
July 21, 2002
my my, i’ve actually been pretty busy lately. which is a strange occurrence, considering what a lazy sloth i’ve been — the…
about dang time
July 17, 2002
my most favourite book of all time — it is really that good — is now a movie! natalie babbit’s tuck everlasting…
back on track
July 14, 2002
i have no idea why it seems so much harder to get a job in vancouver right now. my older sister gave…
the torn identity
July 8, 2002
all my life, i’ve searched for a tiny little nook in society which i could remain in and stay true to. i’ve…
it’s all good
June 18, 2002
despite what some critics say about the recent influx of vanilla coke (if it’s really worth the hype), i deem it “fuggin’…
pet peeve
June 16, 2002
the thing about eating crab is that the trouble is never worth the reward. after the tedious cracking and biting and digging,…
ouchies
June 9, 2002
canker sores make me grumpy….
media queen
May 25, 2002
it’s not something i like to pride myself on — well, maybe it is — that i watch a lot of television…
tiresome
May 20, 2002
i’m tired, but i can’t sleep. i’ll lie in bed for hours and just toss and turn, then toss and turn again….
lend me a handey
May 19, 2002
i’m out of words today, so i’m borrowing some from jack handey:to me, it’s always a good idea to carry two sacks…
bleh
May 10, 2002
think, think, think… that’s all i ever do….
night out
April 25, 2002
101 lbs, clubs 1, meeting perverted italian man 1, having beer spilled on you 1, super-size mcdonald’s fries 1, thoughts of lying…
blazed
April 20, 2002
happy four-twenty, folks! don’t sketch out in the back of your mom’s toyota, though. that’s never fun….
nice to know you
April 19, 2002
it’s a rare day that i actually remember my dream from the past night. this morning i woke up with the oddest…
d’argh
March 24, 2002
please don’t mention the word “drink” for at least one month. derr… water, water — i need water….
my poor aching back
March 6, 2002
trekked up and down the wreck beach trail against freezing wind for my geography lab. farking tired. at least there were no…
celebrate good times
March 1, 2002
it’s friday. get off the computer. bang some pots and pans together. there. now you’ve successfully filled your fun quotient for the…
experimentation
February 25, 2002
it’s a toque, not a beanie. you damn ignorant yankees! this is a beanie: looks like i win, along with my other…
make myself at home
February 23, 2002
a friend from online made me these awesome cds with tracks by various artists, ranging from craig david to the beatles. they’re…
pure as
January 26, 2002
i hate snow, as anyone close to me will tell you. i hate it with a vehement passion. i hate it so…
osteoperosis
January 11, 2002
i finally drank milk today. not in my coffee or earl grey tea. none of that skim milk shit, either. homogenized —…
house un-warming
January 10, 2002
why the hell is it freezing in my house? it’s 3:32 AM — god, why am i even still awake — and…
wuzzle wozzle
January 1, 2002
HAPPY NEW YEAR! garrrrrrrrrr… so tired. would have something inspiring to say which would result in people lining up outside my door,…
bully for me
August 30, 2001
it’s story time, kiddies. i wake my tired ass up at 8:00 am to get showered, dressed, and ready for work by…
can i get a…
May 13, 2001
robbo is a funny man. we were driving to vancouver today and for some reason england came up in our casual banter….
the indispensible bubble tea
May 3, 2001
shiet… and here i thought i was the only one who cared about my sweet little beverages. eGirl features an article called…